Regret
by Luminosity77
Summary: Several years after leaving Chicago a chance meeting causes Abby to re-evaluate her opinion of someone.  This is my first ever piece of fic so helpful reviews would be great.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: They're not my characters, I'm just borrowing for some fun. I promise to put them back when I'm finished!**

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Four years later so much had changed. Leaving Chicago and County behind for a new life with her family hadn't panned out as Abby had foreseen. In the end the split was mutually desired and amicable, the only real emotional fallout being for Joe. Abby reasoned that the arrangements she and Luka had put in place would be better for their son than living with parents constantly fighting or unhappy, and so Joe's time was split between Abby and her former husband. It wasn't what anyone planned but isn't that just life?

Seeing him again after so long made an almost physical impact, the knot in the pit of her belly surprised her.

Attending conferences was something Abby tried to avoid, but she had been persuaded to get involved in a research project and subsequently to present her findings at a seminar. Somehow it never occurred to her that he might be there, not until she saw a familiar curly head across the room. Turning away from another suited man with whom he had been conversing intently, Lucien Dubenko looked straight at her, stood rooted to the spot for a moment before making his way over with a half smile on his face.

Feeling unsure of how best to greet her former colleague, handshake, hug or neither, Abby opted to follow his lead. Unfortunately Lucien proved as irresolute as herself, and they stood a little awkwardly making conversation about the conference and their work there. In the end it was Lucien who brought the tête-à-tête to a close, although he suggested meeting later for dinner. Abby resisted the urge to ask whether this would consist of a burger and fries and accepted, wondering if it could possibly be worth it; they clearly had so little to say to one another.

Later, in the calm of a nearby restaurant Lucien appeared to have regained his equilibrium and was more like his usual self. He asked her about her presentation, showed an interest in her work and carefully avoided discussing anything too personal. Abby realised anything further would have to come from herself.

She began by asking him about life back at County and laughed at his anecdotes of Frank's rudeness and ER/OR turf wars. It was a relief to know that some things were constants in a quickly evolving world. Next Lucien talked about Neela with evident pride at the achievements of his former protégé in her new job, and Abby found herself warming to the surgeon as they shared their happiness at the their friend's stable life with Ray.

When Lucien finally asked after Luka Abby looked carefully for any hint of the old rivalry and was surprised to find only genuine sympathy and shock when she told of their split. Lucien talked abstractly of the difficulties of maintaining relationships in the face of chaotic work schedules and of the hurt and resignation that such failures bring. Abby wondered not for the first time if Lucien was projecting his own emotional baggage onto her but was sill warmed by his empathy.

Later, in the quiet of her hotel room it struck her that she'd had it all wrong the whole time. She'd applied many adjectives to Lucien over the years: arrogant, creepy, socially inept, all negatives. What she'd never been conscious of was the one she now realised was the most accurate and appealing: sincere. He'd never been less than sincere despite all his gaucheness and foolishness. Indeed it was his sincerity which caused him to act that way; he couldn't help been too obvious in his desires, loyal in his affections and in his capacity as a teacher and mentor. It was what impelled him to be the best he could as a doctor and to follow his ethical code. It was what made him admirable, endearing and also vulnerable. Abby finally felt that she "got" Dubenko, and wondered whether it would have really made a difference if she had seen this back then. Could she have accepted him at face value and trusted his sincere affection? Maybe if she had she wouldn't be sat in an empty hotel room feeling caught between two worlds neither of which felt like home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Usual disclaimers apply. Thanks to simply woven for the positve review. Hope this chapter goes down well too. I'm not convinved by the dialogue so any helpful feedback would be appreciated.**

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After their chance meeting at the conference Abby found herself thinking about Lucien more than she had expected. The thoughts were a mixture of pleasure at the memory of their evening together and regret. Exactly the source of this feeling remained unclear, seeming to go beyond her initial sadness at realisation that she'd misunderstood Lucien. In the meantime Abby had happy to receive an email from him a couple of weeks after returning to Boston, although the fact that it mostly concerned her research project was less welcome. However Abby knew enough about her former colleague to appreciate that he generally took refuge in work related discussions when unsure of what to say. For her part Abby replied in kind, adding greetings to those she knew still at County.

Just over three months later Abby found herself at Neela's wedding. The possibility of Lucien also being in attendance did not occur to her, although in retrospect this was short-sighted given Neela's closeness to her former mentor, and Abby experienced a moment of de ja vu as she saw the familiar curly head arriving for the ceremony. She felt the same twisting of her insides, improved this time by Lucien's relative comfort in her presence and evident pleasure at seeing her again.

Abby couldn't help but smile at the contrast with Dubenko's behaviour at her own wedding; drunkenly kissing Neela before threatening to hunt Luka "like a cheetah" should he ever hurt his new wife. She had told Luka off for mocking Lucien when he related the story, although she had also been laughing at the time. Abby was never sure whether she'd been more amused at the idea of Lucien as a cheetah, of his prospects against Luka or at the very idea that her husband would cause her pain. Who could have guessed how soon they'd hurt one another. Watching Lucien Abby had the distinct impression that he too was replaying memories of her wedding. Several times he glanced at her with concern etched on his face, perhaps worried that she may feel the contrast between Neela's situation and her own. Eventually, carefully looking away from Abby into the middle distance Lucien said,

"You know, this is the first wedding in years where I haven't felt cynicism or melancholy. I guess I've been guilty of projecting my own feelings and experiences onto the situation. Not exactly impartial or objective," he said smiling slightly.

"Well nobody can be perfectly detached. I mean it'd be kind of weird and inhuman to always be totally logical about things."

As Abby spoke she recalled some of Neela's observations about Dubenko early in their acquaintance, when together they speculated about the strange new trauma surgeon and his apparent obsession with taking a logical, scientific approach to, well, everything.

As the evening wore on Abby found herself more at ease with Lucien, enjoying his company despite getting re-acquainted with his tendency for intensity and awkwardness in conversation. Not knowing most of the other guests they naturally gravitated towards one another and Abby was surprised to discover how fast the time had passed.

They had been discussing Ray and Neela's happiness and sharing their memories of the couple yet again with an unfamiliar guest, sticking to safe territory until the woman rejoined her partner at the bar. As she departed Lucien and Abby fell into an uncomfortable silence, each consumed by their own internal dialogue. Finally Abby asked the question she'd been forming for several hours.

"So when you said you generally feel cynical at weddings did you mean you don't expect people's marriages to work out?"

"You want to know what I thought at yours you mean." Lucien responded with startling clarity, making Abby aware for the first time of the unconscious subtext of her question.

"At your wedding I was torn in so many direction Abby, sadness as the final nails were driven into any prospect of you returning my feelings for you, doubt that Kovac really was what you needed and self-loathing for my inability to truly wish you well."

Abby stared at him. She had never expected such candour. Lucien shrugged and said "well you did ask, and for what it's worth I'm really sorry that my doubts were borne out."

Unsure of what to make of his revelation Abby was relieved to see Neela coming to join them. After exchanging a few brief words with his former protégé Lucien took himself away to the bar, and Neela observed that they seemed to be getting along well.

"Yeah, it's good. I've enjoyed having chance to catch up," she replied, "although I'd forgotten he how intense he can be."

"I know Abby, but he's also a warm and generous person. It's a shame you never really got past his work persona before, the effort pays off."

"So not just a wall scribbling weirdo who hits on the residents then?" Abby asked with a smirk.

"Well he's that too!" laughed Neela. "At least this time he's sober, no threatening the groom or making a pass at the maid of honour, so give him a chance."

"Definitely plus points," nodded Abby, looking across the room at a group of noisy young men and adding: "Looks like you need to go rescue Ray before he's convinced to abandon everything for the rock 'n' roll life again."

Neela rolled her eyes. "He wouldn't dare, although I might go and stop him behaving like a total wanker."

"Well, that would be to everyone's advantage I guess, so I'll see you later."

"Okay, but you promise me to have fun too, make sure Lucien dances or something," Neela said, grinning at the confusion on Dubenko's face as he returned in time to hear the end of the conversation.

Lucien placed Abby's drink on the table as Neela walked away but did not sit down himself, instead choosing to hover nervously behind Abby's chair. Irritated and feeling uncomfortable with his behaviour she said "would you just sit down Lucien, you're creeping me out standing behind me like that." Then, seeing the stricken look on his face and taking pity on him she smiled: "Come on, there's no need to worry about Neela, I won't listen to her, she's just causing trouble."

"Ah, y-yes," he stammered, "thanks Abby. Not sure about dancing now." Lucien resumed his seat trying to look more at ease again.

"So when would you prefer?" Abby quipped, "after the party's over? Sometime next year?"

For a moment Lucien looked puzzled then, clearing his throat said: "Then you're not mad at me for what I um…said… before? I know I may have overstepped the mark and…"

"Lucien, stop," she interrupted trying to make eye contact with him. "It's all history, not worth bringing up. No point really."

The surgeon raised his eyes to hers and gave his trademark half-smile.

"Okay then, thanks Abby. You know, it's getting late, I should head off. I'm taking an early flight, got a shift starting tomorrow evening."

"Definitely true about surgeon's having a lousy lifestyle then," replied Abby raising her eyebrows.

"Possibly, at times," he conceded getting up and going to bid farewell to Neela and Ray.

Together they walked to the entrance hall and Lucien retrieved his coat, while Abby felt a growing sadness that their evening was over mixed with confusion that the end of a sometimes awkward conversation should bother her.

They stood facing each other for what felt like an age until Lucien leant in to place a chaste kiss on Abby's cheek. As he did so she put her arms around him in an uncertain hug. Dubenko appeared to freeze, momentarily taken aback by her gesture, before relaxing and pulling her closer, murmuring softly: "I'm so glad I saw you again, had the chance to put the record straight a little and…"

He pulled away slightly and Abby, moving as if in a trance, brought her hand to rest on Lucien's cheek. He closed his eyes, exhaled slowly, then turned his head so that his lips touched her palm and kissed her softly, almost imperceptibly. Abby's hand dropped to his shoulder and he leaned in once more, kissing her forehead gently. Abby's eyes fell closed and Lucien, slowly, painfully slowly, kissed her eyelids, then the bridge of her nose and finally her lips. Abby barely had time to react when he broke the embrace and walked briskly away from her.


End file.
